People are usually at a loss as to what to say to a person is grieving. Please understand you don’t have to say anything. Sometimes just being there, holding their hand, and offering comfort is enough and it’s okay to say “I just don’t know what to say”. But below are some things that you should never say:
Don’t say “they are in a better place”” or “just be happy they are not in pain anymore.”
The place they want them to be is with them, no matter how much pain they were in or how difficult the care-giving was. A better comment is “you must miss him/her terribly.”
And how do you think they feel if you say “you’ll get married again”/ “you can always have other children”; “at least you have other children.”
The only person they really want and are grieving for isn’t here and no one else will ever be able to replace them. Please respect and honor that. Instead say “I know how special he/she was to you and how much you loved him/her.”
Never say “It’s time for you to get yourself together and get on with your life.’
Each person’s path of grief is unique. Maybe it isn’t time for them to get themself “together”. Even if they are not functioning well enough to take care of themself or their family, it may be best to get friends and loved ones to pitch in to take care of the family for awhile rather than shaming them or having them feel that they’re “not handling this better.” All this does is add to the tremendous burden of guilt they are already feeling. Instead say “it looks like this is a rough day for you. How about if I bring some dinner over about six?
Please don’t say “I’m sure it will all be better soon.”
No! In fact it’s going to take a long time. It’s so hard to watch a friend or family member grieve… we often want them to feel better so we’ll feel better! Remember, they may be thinking they’ll never feel better so presuming how they are going to feel in the future may be very frustrating for them. But you can assure them you’ll be there for as long as they need you. The real, honest truth is they will never get over it. In time it will get easier. In time God will heal their hearts. But there will always be a part of them missing.
Please don’t tell them: “God’s plans are always the best. It must have been what He intended” or “it was just God’s plan”
While it’s very important to know the person’s belief system before mentioning anything about God or a higher power, don’t assume the person has the same faith or belief that you do. Besides for those with the utmost faith, there is little comfort in these words as this point. Many will be feeling very disappointed in God and disillusioned. Some may be very angry with God. There is no comfort in these words. You can say “I am so sorry”, you can tell them you are praying for them.
Please don’t say “don’t cry in front of the children.”
Kids are often more upset by what they don’t know than what they do know, so many times it’s appropriate to model normal grief for the children. Besides even Jesus wept and now is the perfect time to explain to children that we are feeling very sad about our loss and encourage them to discuss their emotions as well.
One of the worst things that can happen to a grieving person is to have people ignore his/her pain. Please don’t be afraid to talk about their loss. If you’re not sure what to say, or are uncertain that the person wants to talk about it, it’s okay to say just that. Most people want and need to talk about their loved one. You will be doing them a great service by being a good listener.
Please don’t ask “how are you doing?”
Most grieving people shut down with this question. It’s better to ask “how are you doing today”. Encourage them to talk to you about their day, their feelings and their pain.
Do be a good listener.
Do offer assistance – arrange for someone to help with cleaning, laundry and meals. If there are children offer to take them for awhile.
If you ask someone what they need they may be unable to tell you or ask for help. Just do it!
Do pray with them and for them.
Members of my church family used to stop by and just sit with me. They’d pray with me, listen as I cried and hold my hand. Just be there.
Do intervene if their grief affects their health.
Contact their family physician or a family member who can arrange for a doctor’s visit if they are not sleeping, not eating or experience sucidial thoughts or actions. There are so many resources available to help including medications, counselors, therapy and grief support.