A friend of mine called the other day and caught me in an unusually happy mood. She immediately sensed there was something going on in my life that I hadn’t shared with her. Her first remark -”are you living together”? Well, I’m not sure how to answer that one. We’re together every evening and weekend when he’s not traveling, but he has this place – I have mine. “Then, you’re getting married!” Hmmmmmmm, where did that come from? When I replied”no, we are not getting married” she said “do you consider yourself in a committed relationship” to which I replied “yes, I guess so.” Her reply “then what’s the difference”? Are you kidding me? Big, huge difference! And if people don’t understand the difference I’m wondering if that accounts for the high rate of divorce in this country?
Don’t get me wrong – I LOVED being married, at least most of the time. But that was then and this is now. Everything is different these days. And there is a huge difference between being in a committed relationship and being married. At least there should be.
I will concede I am in a committed relationship. That means I date him exclusively and vice versa and we at least like each other enough to be happy with that arrangement. It means we trust each other enough to feel fairly confident that arrangement holds true when he is out of town or are very good at faking it. It means we enjoy each other’s company, like to hang out together and don’t feel the need to go outside the relationship for companionship and sex. It means we are okay seeing each other every day but okay when we can’t be together. It means we share a life but also have lives of our own. Our relationship is not based on nor does it require the same level of commitment as a marriage.
Our relationship is still fairly new. We are still learning new things about each other and our relationship. We share good times, much of the same values and agree it is okay to disagree, especially in the political arena. But we are still two people living two very separate lives while sharing one as well.
I really can’t speak for him because we’ve never talked about any of this. But I am assuming we are on the same page.
It means there is still much to discover and explore. It means either or both of us can walk away without notice, reason or explanation or the need for inhumane lawyers who turn two people who were once in love with each other into hungry, angry vultures. It means we can walk away and go back to our individual lives and our individual homes without spending a fortune in court costs. It means we plan many parts of our lives around each other, but are realistic enough to understand we must also plan our lives around our own, individual goals, hopes and dreams. It means we expect to rely on ourselves in the future and not necessarily on each other. It means we can enjoy the moment without setting ourselves up for failure or falling short of our expectations. It means we don’t have to take risks or be afraid. While there is hope and wonder, there is reason. We are realistic!
Marriage requires a much deeper commitment, mainly because two people no longer have the option to live very separate lives. Everything is intertwined and intermingled. There are few secrets left. Both people suddenly become very much involved in each other and decisions that used to be left to one, become shared decisions. Both must take the good and bad that comes with their spouse, including children, grandchildren, family members, friends, enemies, bosses, business associates and pets. They must learn to compromise. They plan their future around each other instead of just themself. They have shared goals that become goals that benefit both of them and dreams that include the other. They make joint and mutual decisions in almost every area of their lives instead of just rushing into decisions without consulting another person. They have to talk – even when they don’t want to about things like finances, retirement, where they’ll live, and what kind of furniture to buy, and mundane things like whose turn it is to take the trash out. And in a good marriage, they become as one.
They take words like trust, communication, togetherness, sharing, friendship, and love to entirely new levels and find those emotions only grow with time. They become closer than they ever imagined they could be to another human being. Instead of considering what life would be like without the other, they can’t imagine a life like that at all. Instead of worrying about growing older, they dream of growing old together.
It’s commitment of the nth degree. It’s never one to be taken lightly and it’s not a decision to be made haphazardly. It has consequences and rewards, brings joy and sadness, and with the right couple, at the right time, can be the greatest bonding experience of our lives. And when it’s right – it’s magic!