I’ve been in a funk for a few days and realized today I am starting to spiral downward at an alarming pace. Today I realized why. The ghosts of the memories of the past year are swirling around me.

This week marks the final three weeks of Ken’s life on earth. I remember clearly almost everything that happened on a day to day basis; my application to Hearthstone; traveling to Chattanooga for the interviews and getting the glorious news I had the job. Ken was so proud of me and nearly as excited as I was although it meant we would be away from each other for the first time in our lives on a temporary basis. Ken came back to Chattanooga and picked me up and I went home until Sunday, June 27. I started work on Monday, June 28 and Ken went back to Georgia on Monday. He came back to Chattanooga on Wednesday to trade vehicles with me and then went back to Mauk that evening. On Thursday I found out I would be attending training in Nashville the following week. When he called Ken said “wish I had known – I’d have stayed with you until then”. I wish I had known too because on Friday, July 2 Ken died.

I’ve often wondered what I could have done to change the way things turned out. I’ve often wished I could turn back the clock and do things differently. But I know that’s an impossible task and an impossible dream. The past is just that – the past. And no matter how much we wish we could change it, once it’s gone, it is gone forever leaving us with only our memories.

I like to visualize Ken in Heaven, playing with Jacob, our grandson he adored; letting Jacob pull at the decals on the funny tee shirts Ken loved so much; and laughing and talking with Jennifer, the daughter he never met but loved because he loved me. It seems ironic now how often Ken brought Jennifer into the topic of conversation or went out of his way to do something to remember her. He saw her in every rainbow he pointed out to me, he heard her in every special song and on one special Christmas, he built a beautiful cross as a tribute to her life and memory and touched my heart in a profound way.

I hope Heaven has eased the pain he had to bear in this life and gave him the family he deserved all along. I pray he found the ability to forgive those who hurt him so deeply, wounded his soul and left so many scars. I pray he’s happy and I pray he is watching over me. And if he is, I hope he’s proud. He always was in life and I’d hate to disappoint him in death, but then, Ken always believed in me.

I’ve been thinking how very much has changed in the past year. And I know how much can change in just an instant. There are no guarantees in life and all that we take for granted can be gone in the blink of an eye. The joy in that is knowing Christ’s return will occur that same way – in a blink of an eye. And the change many of us have waited for our entire lives will truly turn our lives upside down in the most magnificent way.

I also realize a year is long enough. At least, it’s long enough for me and that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s long enough for anyone else. One of the last things Ken said to me was “put your big girl panties on – you can do this”. It’s time to put those panties on and get moving. Ken would not only expect me to, he’d want me to.

I am smart enough to know there will always be moments or days of sadness and longing, but it’s time to look to the future instead of spending time dwelling in the past. It’s never easy to let go but it’s vital to our survival. I’ve been letting go a bit at a time and chances are you have been too. You just may not realize it yet. God has a plan and while I can’t foresee it in any way, I can see His hand has been at work in my life every moment of my life and particularly during the past year. He has filled my life with love, joy, happiness, craziness and surprises that have far exceeded my expectations. And while the future may be uncertain, my future is safe in His hands. Without a doubt it will work according to His plan.

In the midst of my darkest days I haven’t asked God why but rather how. How could He endure the pain of watching His only begotten Son suffer in life and in death even knowing it would only be a brief moment in time? By that same token, I know the pain we suffer in this life too is only for a brief moment in God’s time and one day, He will wipe it all away forever. We truly have so very much to look forward to.

And it is that promise and the hope therein, the enables us to move forward; to live, dream, love, laugh and thrive. God’s grace truly is sufficient. Every day is a precious gift, one too valuable to waste away on regrets or longing for the past. For everything there is a season, and with God’s help we will live each of them well.

“To every [thing there is] a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up [that which is] planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace; What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth? I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it. He hath made every [thing] beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end. I know that [there is] no good in them, but for [a man] to rejoice, and to do good in his life. And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it [is] the gift of God. I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be forever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth [it], that [men] should fear before him. That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past. That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past”. (Ecc 3:1 – 15)