There is no question Ken’s death changed me as much as life with Ken did. And for many reasons, it forced me to take a deeper look at many parts of my life and a deeper look at myself.

Looking back on my life with Ken is like looking into a prism. There were that many facets – both light and darkness; good times and bad. I guess that’s due in part to the fact there were so many different and confusing parts and sides to Ken. But this isn’t about Ken – it’s about me, and maybe it could even be about you. I am not the only one who has walked this path and found them self-lacking.

There is nothing wrong with self-examination, it’s how we grow and change. The danger lies in allowing ourselves to become too critical, too judgmental and losing sight of who we really are in our quest to find our “true” self. Self-examination may not be wise when we are in the midst of deep despair and grief and struggling with pain, loss, guilt, overwhelming fear and confusion. I am beginning to see it can skew our final analysis.

I am no stranger to trials or tragedy but in Ken’s death I found myself feeling more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life. Ken and I were supposed to grow old together. We had goals, plans, hopes and dreams. Our relationship was not without issues, but we believed we could work through them and felt secure in the fact, we would not travel life’s path alone. I felt safe and knew no matter what life brought, Ken always had my back. Just as importantly, Ken believed in me and Ken believed in us. And I knew he loved me and would always love me, no matter what.

Ken’s death brought insecurity, fear and vulnerability I had never before experienced. Dreams died. Hope vanished. And I felt fragile and weak. I am still struggling but I’ve learned this:

Ken’s love did not make me strong – God’s grace does and while I am a bit wobbly these days, I am still stronger than I realize. God’s grace is as sufficient today as it’s always been and will be just as sufficient tomorrow.

I am and always have been slightly (okay, very) stubborn and headstrong. I find it difficult to rely on others and tend to rely on myself. But even as I write this I know I have really relied on God. All things have come from Him. But even He knows I am stubborn (and He chuckles). And I am slowly learning to rely on Him even more.

While I desperately want others to see Christ in me, I finally realize my weakness can be a more perfect example of His greatness and power than my strength.

I am not now, have never been nor will I ever be perfect. I have struggled, fallen and failed as many times as I’ve stood and succeeded. But I still keep getting up and that’s all I need to know.

I am somewhat broken and disarrayed but God uses cracked pots for His glory. (if you haven’t yet, read the book by Patsy Clairmont by the same title).

I can be overly sensitive, a part of me I am really trying to work on. If you love me, deal with it. And keep in mind there may come a time you will appreciate my sensitivity.

At times I am insecure, another thing I’m working on. But when I am, the last thing I need is for someone to be condescending and arrogant. I need reassurance.

I am a caregiver. Some people view this as a weakness, but I see it as strength. God designed me to be a caregiver and the world needs at least a few of us.

I am faithful and loyal to a fault and tend to see the good in people that even others cannot see. When I love, I love truly and deeply and while lately I have often felt that makes me stupid, I am beginning to realize it makes me special. I can love the unlovable and they may be the very ones who need my love most of all.

If the one you love doesn’t, can’t or won’t love you back, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It means there’s something wrong with the relationship. Chin up – there’s someone out there for everyone. Sometimes we just have to look for a while but the search is worth the wait.

I have been touched by far more lives than I have ever touched, but I know I have also touched many lives. And I’ve made them better.

My behavior has been affected and influenced by circumstances (often beyond my control) and other people, but my heart has remained unchanged. I am jaded at times; uncertain at others, but deep inside still see the world through rose colored glasses and hope and dream the impossible.

Some look at my life and see tragedy and heartbreak. I see opportunities, joy, miracles and blessings.

There is certain sweetness, kindness. caring, compassion, joy and love within me that life has been unable to destroy or take away from me. That makes me lucky.

I am pretty low maintenance. I am not impressed by power, position or wealth. Butterflies, sunsets and sunrises and rainbows on the other hand, take my breath away.

For the most part I can see the abundant blessings in my life even during my darkest hours; and sometimes I see them most often in the dark. Or perhaps I am just most thankful for them then.

I know my every fault, my every weakness and remember every mistake I’ve ever made. I also remember every accomplishment and know the talents and gifts God has given me and each of my strengths. So do my children, my family and the true friends in my life. They love me anyway.

I do not want to become someone else – I like who I am. And if I find myself feeling I need to change to “fit” into someone else’s life, I am trying to fit into the wrong relationship.

No one has the power to make me feel insecure, ignorant or insignificant unless I give it to them. If they invoke these feelings on a regular basis, I need to rid my life of them.

I am both complicated and an open book if you care enough to read. I wear my heart on my sleeve so it’s pretty visible.

I am passionate in every sense of the word, even when it’s not logical.

Most of the time, I laugh easily and still find wonder in the world around me.

I value honesty and integrity and make a lousy liar. I despise lies and deception above most things.

I am much harder on myself than anyone else has ever been or ever will be. I need to learn to give myself the same consideration I give to others and forgive myself as easily.

I am not yet the person I want to be but I know I am pretty special. So do the people in my life who really love me. And if you’re searching, remember – so are you!

And above all else I know, “Jesus loves me”. He loves you too. Just the way we are.

And we can be confident we will get there. The Bible even tells us so:

“Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform [it] until the day of Jesus Christ”. (Philippians 1:6)