There is no question Ken’s death changed me as much as life with Ken did. And for many reasons, it forced me to take a deeper look at many parts of my life and a deeper look at myself.

Looking back on my life with Ken is like looking into a prism. There were that many facets – both light and darkness; good times and bad. I guess that’s due in part to the fact there were so many different and confusing parts and sides to Ken. But this isn’t about Ken – it’s about me, and maybe it could even be about you. I am not the only one who has walked this path and found them self-lacking.

There is nothing wrong with self-examination, it’s how we grow and change. The danger lies in allowing ourselves to become too critical, too judgmental and losing sight of who we really are in our quest to find our “true” self. Self-examination may not be wise when we are in the midst of deep despair and grief and struggling with pain, loss, guilt, overwhelming fear and confusion. I am beginning to see it can skew our final analysis.

I am no stranger to trials or tragedy but in Ken’s death I found myself feeling more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life. Ken and I were supposed to grow old together. We had goals, plans, hopes and dreams. Our relationship was not without issues, but we believed we could work through them and felt secure in the fact, we would not travel life’s path alone. I felt safe and knew no matter what life brought, Ken always had my back. Just as importantly, Ken believed in me and Ken believed in us. And I knew he loved me and would always love me, no matter what.

Ken’s death brought insecurity, fear and vulnerability I had never before experienced. Dreams died. Hope vanished. And I felt fragile and weak. I am still struggling but I’ve learned this:

Ken’s love did not make me strong – God’s grace does and while I am a bit wobbly these days, I am still stronger than I realize. God’s grace is as sufficient today as it’s always been and will be just as sufficient tomorrow.

I am and always have been slightly (okay, very) stubborn and headstrong. I find it difficult to rely on others and tend to rely on myself. But even as I write this I know I have really relied on God. All things have come from Him. But even He knows I am stubborn (and He chuckles). And I am slowly learning to rely on Him even more.

While I desperately want others to see Christ in me, I finally realize my weakness can be a more perfect example of His greatness and power than my strength.

I am not now, have never been nor will I ever be perfect. I have struggled, fallen and failed as many times as I’ve stood and succeeded. But I still keep getting up and that’s all I need to know.

I am somewhat broken and disarrayed but God uses cracked pots for His glory. (if you haven’t yet, read the book by Patsy Clairmont by the same title).

I can be overly sensitive, a part of me I am really trying to work on. If you love me, deal with it. And keep in mind there may come a time you will appreciate my sensitivity.

At times I am insecure, another thing I’m working on. But when I am, the last thing I need is for someone to be condescending and arrogant. I need reassurance.

I am a caregiver. Some people view this as a weakness, but I see it as strength. God designed me to be a caregiver and the world needs at least a few of us.

I am faithful and loyal to a fault and tend to see the good in people that even others cannot see. When I love, I love truly and deeply and while lately I have often felt that makes me stupid, I am beginning to realize it makes me special. I can love the unlovable and they may be the very ones who need my love most of all.

If the one you love doesn’t, can’t or won’t love you back, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It means there’s something wrong with the relationship. Chin up – there’s someone out there for everyone. Sometimes we just have to look for a while but the search is worth the wait.

I have been touched by far more lives than I have ever touched, but I know I have also touched many lives. And I’ve made them better.

My behavior has been affected and influenced by circumstances (often beyond my control) and other people, but my heart has remained unchanged. I am jaded at times; uncertain at others, but deep inside still see the world through rose colored glasses and hope and dream the impossible.

Some look at my life and see tragedy and heartbreak. I see opportunities, joy, miracles and blessings.

There is certain sweetness, kindness. caring, compassion, joy and love within me that life has been unable to destroy or take away from me. That makes me lucky.

I am pretty low maintenance. I am not impressed by power, position or wealth. Butterflies, sunsets and sunrises and rainbows on the other hand, take my breath away.

For the most part I can see the abundant blessings in my life even during my darkest hours; and sometimes I see them most often in the dark. Or perhaps I am just most thankful for them then.

I know my every fault, my every weakness and remember every mistake I’ve ever made. I also remember every accomplishment and know the talents and gifts God has given me and each of my strengths. So do my children, my family and the true friends in my life. They love me anyway.

I do not want to become someone else – I like who I am. And if I find myself feeling I need to change to “fit” into someone else’s life, I am trying to fit into the wrong relationship.

No one has the power to make me feel insecure, ignorant or insignificant unless I give it to them. If they invoke these feelings on a regular basis, I need to rid my life of them.

I am both complicated and an open book if you care enough to read. I wear my heart on my sleeve so it’s pretty visible.

I am passionate in every sense of the word, even when it’s not logical.

Most of the time, I laugh easily and still find wonder in the world around me.

I value honesty and integrity and make a lousy liar. I despise lies and deception above most things.

I am much harder on myself than anyone else has ever been or ever will be. I need to learn to give myself the same consideration I give to others and forgive myself as easily.

I am not yet the person I want to be but I know I am pretty special. So do the people in my life who really love me. And if you’re searching, remember – so are you!

And above all else I know, “Jesus loves me”. He loves you too. Just the way we are.

And we can be confident we will get there. The Bible even tells us so:

“Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform [it] until the day of Jesus Christ”. (Philippians 1:6)

There is no question Ken’s death changed me as much as life with Ken did. And for many reasons, it forced me to take a deeper look at many parts of my life and a deeper look at myself.

Looking back on my life with Ken is like looking into a prism. There were that many facets – both light and darkness; good times and bad. I guess that’s due in part to the fact there were so many different and confusing parts and sides to Ken. But this isn’t about Ken – it’s about me, and maybe it could even be about you. I am not the only one who has walked this path and found them self-lacking.

There is nothing wrong with self-examination, it’s how we grow and change. The danger lies in allowing ourselves to become too critical, too judgmental and losing sight of who we really are in our quest to find our “true” self. Self-examination may not be wise when we are in the midst of deep despair and grief and struggling with pain, loss, guilt, overwhelming fear and confusion. I am beginning to see it can skew our final analysis.

I am no stranger to trials or tragedy but in Ken’s death I found myself feeling more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life. Ken and I were supposed to grow old together. We had goals, plans, hopes and dreams. Our relationship was not without issues, but we believed we could work through them and felt secure in the fact, we would not travel life’s path alone. I felt safe and knew no matter what life brought, Ken always had my back. Just as importantly, Ken believed in me and Ken believed in us. And I knew he loved me and would always love me, no matter what.

Ken’s death brought insecurity, fear and vulnerability I had never before experienced. Dreams died. Hope vanished. And I felt fragile and weak. I am still struggling but I’ve learned this:

Ken’s love did not make me strong – God’s grace does and while I am a bit wobbly these days, I am still stronger than I realize. God’s grace is as sufficient today as it’s always been and will be just as sufficient tomorrow.

I am and always have been slightly (okay, very) stubborn and headstrong. I find it difficult to rely on others and tend to rely on myself. But even as I write this I know I have really relied on God. All things have come from Him. But even He knows I am stubborn (and He chuckles). And I am slowly learning to rely on Him even more.

While I desperately want others to see Christ in me, I finally realize my weakness can be a more perfect example of His greatness and power than my strength.

I am not now, have never been nor will I ever be perfect. I have struggled, fallen and failed as many times as I’ve stood and succeeded. But I still keep getting up and that’s all I need to know.

I am somewhat broken and disarrayed but God uses cracked pots for His glory. (if you haven’t yet, read the book by Patsy Clairmont by the same title).

I can be overly sensitive, a part of me I am really trying to work on. If you love me, deal with it. And keep in mind there may come a time you will appreciate my sensitivity.

At times I am insecure, another thing I’m working on. But when I am, the last thing I need is for someone to be condescending and arrogant. I need reassurance.

I am a caregiver. Some people view this as a weakness, but I see it as strength. God designed me to be a caregiver and the world needs at least a few of us.

I am faithful and loyal to a fault and tend to see the good in people that even others cannot see. When I love, I love truly and deeply and while lately I have often felt that makes me stupid, I am beginning to realize it makes me special. I can love the unlovable and they may be the very ones who need my love most of all.

If the one you love doesn’t, can’t or won’t love you back, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It means there’s something wrong with the relationship. Chin up – there’s someone out there for everyone. Sometimes we just have to look for a while but the search is worth the wait.

I have been touched by far more lives than I have ever touched, but I know I have also touched many lives. And I’ve made them better.

My behavior has been affected and influenced by circumstances (often beyond my control) and other people, but my heart has remained unchanged. I am jaded at times; uncertain at others, but deep inside still see the world through rose colored glasses and hope and dream the impossible.

Some look at my life and see tragedy and heartbreak. I see opportunities, joy, miracles and blessings.

There is certain sweetness, kindness. caring, compassion, joy and love within me that life has been unable to destroy or take away from me. That makes me lucky.

I am pretty low maintenance. I am not impressed by power, position or wealth. Butterflies, sunsets and sunrises and rainbows on the other hand, take my breath away.

For the most part I can see the abundant blessings in my life even during my darkest hours; and sometimes I see them most often in the dark. Or perhaps I am just most thankful for them then.

I know my every fault, my every weakness and remember every mistake I’ve ever made. I also remember every accomplishment and know the talents and gifts God has given me and each of my strengths. So do my children, my family and the true friends in my life. They love me anyway.

I do not want to become someone else – I like who I am. And if I find myself feeling I need to change to “fit” into someone else’s life, I am trying to fit into the wrong relationship.

No one has the power to make me feel insecure, ignorant or insignificant unless I give it to them. If they invoke these feelings on a regular basis, I need to rid my life of them.

I am both complicated and an open book if you care enough to read. I wear my heart on my sleeve so it’s pretty visible.

I am passionate in every sense of the word, even when it’s not logical.

Most of the time, I laugh easily and still find wonder in the world around me.

I value honesty and integrity and make a lousy liar. I despise lies and deception above most things.

I am much harder on myself than anyone else has ever been or ever will be. I need to learn to give myself the same consideration I give to others and forgive myself as easily.

I am not yet the person I want to be but I know I am pretty special. So do the people in my life who really love me. And if you’re searching, remember – so are you!

And above all else I know, “Jesus loves me”. He loves you too. Just the way we are.

And we can be confident we will get there. The Bible even tells us so:

“Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform [it] until the day of Jesus Christ”. (Philippians 1:6)

“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5)

A friend of mine and I have had several conversations regarding how we should learn to trust the Lord with all our hearts and reach a point we are truly able to turn everything over to Him. In fact, this morning’s devotionals were about this very subject. 1 Peter takes this a step further:

“Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: Whom resist steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world. But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, establish, strengthen, settle [you].” (1 Peter 5:6-11).

The Bible is packed with verses reminding us we are never alone and verses that urge us to place our worries and cares in His hands. And I know those worries and cares are not only safe in His hands, but more importantly, He is far better suited to handle them than I am.

Having said that, I think we need to use caution when we talk to people who are struggling with problems so we do not appear to be judging them for their lack of faith and add to the burdens of guilt they already bear.

Faith under fire is quite different from the faith we have when life is going our way. Faith under fire means accepting the fact that what we know in our heads and hearts may be in conflict with our emotions and we will cry, worry, fret and have moments and periods of instability and unrest. Faith assures us it will pass and that God is with us.

One of my favorite verses is found in Hebrews 11:1 which says “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen”. With all my shortcomings, I at least know, I have that faith.

There’s a saying – “that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”. The truth is that which God prevents from killing us will simply make us stronger in Him and draw us closer.

People have been asking why God allows bad things to happen to good people for centuries. Part of the misconception comes from the fact we are taught God micromanages every aspect of our lives. Omnipotence: God is all-powerful. He can cause anything to happen. He created the universe in six days by speaking it into existence. He can suspend the rules of nature at any time and generate a miracle. Omniscient: God knows everything. He is aware of every event in everyone’s life, and every thought going through their mind. He is aware of future events before they occur. Omnibenevolent: God is all-good, kind, and loving towards humans. He wants the best for us. In fact, these false teachings may bring a false sense of comfort but lack Biblical truth. (See the article at: http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_god01.htm).

My friend and I are in far different places. We always have been and my prayer is we always will be. It is much easier to place everything in God’s hands when life is good and your life for the most part, has always been filled with blessings. For those of you fortunate to be in that place, all I can say is “praise God – you are truly blessed”. For others, it can be more difficult when you face trials and tragedies.

But it IS possible. I found this article at http://www.gotquestions.org/turn-over-to-God.html. It says it far better than I can.

It is sometimes a disconcerting truth for many Christians that even though we belong to God through faith in Christ; we still seem to experience the same problems that plagued us before we were saved. We often become discouraged and bogged down in life’s cares. The fact that both the Old and New Testaments address this problem the same way indicates that God knows problems and worries are inevitable in this life. Thankfully, He has given us the same solution He gave in both Psalms and Peter’s letter. “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall” (Psalm 55:22), and “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).

Contained within these two verses are several amazing truths: God will sustain us, He will never let us fall, and He cares for us. Taken one at a time, we see first that God declares both His ability and His willingness to be our strength and support—mentally, emotionally and spiritually. He is able (and best of all, willing!) to take everything that threatens to overwhelm us and use it for our benefit. He has promised to “work all things together for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Even at times when we doubt Him, He is still working for our good and His glory. And He has also promised that He will allow no trial to be so great we cannot bear it and that He will provide a means of escape (1 Corinthians 10:13). By this, He means that He will not let us fall, as He promised in Psalm 55:22.

The third statement—“he cares for you”—gives us the motivation behind His other promises. Our God is not cold, unfeeling or capricious. Rather, He is our loving heavenly Father whose heart is tender toward His children. Jesus reminds us that just as an earthly father would not deny his children bread, so God has promised to give us “good gifts” when we ask Him (Matthew 7:11).

In the spirit of asking for good gifts, first we must pray and tell the Lord that we hear what He’s saying in John 16:33, where Jesus says, “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” Then we should ask the Lord to show us how He has “overcome” our problems, our worries, our anger, our fears and our guilt.

The Lord reveals to us through His Word, the Bible, that we can be of good “cheer,” that we can

1) rejoice in our problems because God will use them to our benefit. “Knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Romans 5:3-4);

2) see our “worries” as an opportunity to practice Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths”;

3) counteract our anger by obeying Ephesians 4:32, “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you”; and

4) deal with any sinful feelings by believing and acting upon the truth of 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” All of our problems can be dealt with through simple faith in God’s Word.

God is bigger than all our worries and problems put together, and we must realize that if we are to have any victory in our lives. Everyone suffers with these difficulties, because the Bible teaches that temptation is “common” to mankind (1 Corinthians 10:13). We must not let Satan deceive us into thinking that all our problems are our fault, all our worries will come true, all our anger condemns us, or that all our guilt is from God. If we do sin and confess, God forgives and cleanses. We need not feel ashamed, but rather take God at His Word that He does forgive and cleanse. None of our sins are so heavy that God cannot lift them from us and throw them into the deepest sea (see Psalm 103:11-12).

In reality, feelings come from thoughts, so, even though we can’t change how we feel, we can change how we think. And this is what God wants us to do. For example, in Philippians 2:5, Christians are told, “Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus.” In Philippians 4:8, Christians are told to think on things that are “true,” “noble,” “just,” “pure,” “lovely,” “of good report,” and “praiseworthy.” In Colossians 3:2, we are told to “set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.” Therefore, as we do this, our feelings of guilt diminish.

So, each day, taking one step at a time, we should pray for God’s Word to guide us, read or listen to God’s Word, and meditate on God’s Word when the problems, worries, and anxieties of life come along. The secret to giving things over to Christ is really no secret at all—it’s simply asking Jesus to take our burden of “original sin” and be our Savior (John 3:16), as well as submitting to Jesus as our Lord in day-to-day living.

Amen, amen, amen!

Life can be a constant struggle. Our faith can and will be tested and tried. We will all, at some point, experience periods on the mountain and periods of walking in the valley. But throughout it all, we must remember we are never alone!

“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord”. (Romans 8:38-39)